Please feel free to e-mail your lawyer jokes to me at email@example.com
. I will post the best lawyer jokes which I receive on this page
These first four come from my brother-in-law in New Hampshire. Thanks Larry!
1. A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.
Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.
(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
2. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
3. A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
4. A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Here is a clasic sent to me by an old friend, Bill Bell
In a trial, a Southern, small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said: "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
A man telephones a law office and says: "I want to speak to
my lawyer." The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died
The next day the same man phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last
The next day the man calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I
keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep
The man says, "Because I just love hearing it."
A local charity office realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called
him, hoping to get a contribution.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give
back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer replied, "First, did your research also show that
my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that
are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the director mumbled, "Um...no."
"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was
" . . . or that my sister's husband died in a traffic
accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving
her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea . ."
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any